Nancy Drew and the Lazarus Nuptuals
by Lady Emily
Summary: Nancy and Vanessa run into some double trouble at their double wedding.
1. Two Pair

Disclaimer: I do not own Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, or any affiliated characters and am not making any money from the writing of this story.

A/N: I don't even care if you guys like this one. I think it's hilarious.

Some eventual spoilers for _Hardy Boys Casefile #4: The Lazarus Plot_. Otherwise known as the book that got me hooked on the HB Casefiles, and also taught me to fear communism.

* * *

"I'm going to kill them. Both of them." Callie Shaw seethed as she connected with voicemail for the twelfth time. "How can you be this late for your own wedding and not even be bothered to pick up the phone?"

George Fayne was standing next to her, cell phone to her ear, having equally bad luck. "Still no one picking up at their apartment." she turned to Callie. "We've already tried their apartments, Carson's hotel room, Andrea's house, Fenton and Laura's, the office... Can you think of anyone else they might have gone to?"

Callie waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the church, where a hundred and twenty guests had been waiting in their seats for almost an hour. "Everyone they know is already out there!" she said in exasperation.

"I want to go looking for them, Bess. Help me out of this dress." Nancy Drew said for the third time in forty minutes. She tried to reach around to grasp the back zipper on her ivory gown, but the ribbon laced up her back prevented her from reaching the zipper. The neckline of the dress was wide but not plunging, and she didn't dare try to shimmy out of it without unzipping it first.

"For the last time, no." Bess Marvin said, folding her arms across her rose silk-sheathed body. "You look perfect and amazing and I am not helping you out of that dress so that you can go get yourself into trouble somehow. If you're getting into trouble, your wedding dress is going with you."

"Don't say that!" George called from across the room. "She'll actually do it."

"You're right." Bess said. "No trouble. You are not leaving this room until Frank shows up to marry you." She looked over at Vanessa Bender, who had turned away from the window to speak up. "And the same goes for you, Vanessa." she said to the ash-blonde, whose wedding dress, while more lacy and elaborate than Nancy's, was just as elegant. "Only, you know, with Joe."

"But-" Vanessa protested.

"No buts." Callie said. "Bess and George are right. If we let you and Nancy go running around after them, _they'll_ show up and we won't be able to find _you_!"

Laura Hardy opened the door and joined them in the brides' dressing room. "Fenton and Carson just got back from Frank's apartment. No sign of them." she said. She tried to put on a brave smile for Nancy and Vanessa. "You girls look absolutely beautiful."

"Thank you, Laura." Vanessa said softly.

"_No_ sign?" Nancy asked quietly. "No signs of a struggle? Or of a break-in? Was the lock intact? Were their tuxes still there?"

Though there were tears in her eyes, Laura laughed. "You're just perfect for Frank, you know, honey." she said, causing Nancy to smile. "No, there were no signs of a struggle, the lock was intact, and their tuxes weren't there... I'm just... I'm getting worried. This isn't like Frank and Joe."

"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." Bess said reassuringly. "We're jumping to conclusions that they've been hurt or kidnapped or something, but come on. Maybe one of them just got cold feet and the other is trying to talk him through it."

"Yeah. Look at it this way, Vanessa: they're just giving you a little extra time to opt out." Callie teased.

Vanessa snorted, "Thanks, Cal. Have I told you lately how great you are at being a maid of honor?"

Andrea Bender stood from the stool she was perched on and walked over to her daughter, taking her by the shoulders and rubbing up and down her arms. "Joe would never stand you up, sweetheart. He'll be here, and so will Frank."

Vanessa shook her head. "We're not worried that they're standing us up, Mom."

"But we are worried they won't be here." Nancy finished. She lifted her hand to chew nervously on her fingernail, but dropped it when Bess gave a tiny yelp.

"Nan, your manicure!"

"They're in trouble." Nancy said under her breath.

"I know." Vanessa reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I can feel it too. Something bad has happened."

Nancy squeezed back and leaned in to whisper in Vanessa's ear. "If you can distract the bridesmaids and the mothers, I'll sneak out and find out what's going on."

"But your dress-"

"No time to change." Nancy murmured. "Besides, what good are wedding dresses if we don't have grooms?"

Vanessa nodded. "You're right, Nancy. I'm sure it'll be fine." she said in a louder tone. She crossed slowly, casually, back to the window. "Hey!" she cried, pointing at a randomly passing vehicle, "Is that their car?"

The women crowded around the window and Nancy slipped through the door and into the hallway, only to collide with a broad chest. "Fenton!" she gasped.

Fenton Hardy clasped her shoulders with his hands. "Making a run for it, Nancy?" he said with a laugh. "I'm afraid you're too late. They just showed up."

Nancy nearly went limp with relief. "Are they okay? What happened to them?"

Fenton shrugged. "They looked okay to me. And I didn't have time to ask. The second they got here Gertrude practically shoved them onto the altar. Then she sent me to get you girls." He flashed her that warm smile that looked so much like Frank's. "You look lovely, by the way."

Carson Drew rounded the corner behind him. Emotion overwhelmed him as he caught sight of his daughter in her wedding dress. He had to clear his throat before he could speak. "Ready, sweetheart?"

"I was ready an hour ago." she joked, taking his arm and giving it a little squeeze.

The parents, bridesmaids, and brides assembled at the front of the church and began the procession. Fenton and Laura entered first and took their seats in the first pew. Bess, George, and Callie followed, looking radiant in their elegant rose-colored bridesmaids dresses, although the effect was somewhat spoiled by the wide-eyed looks of curiosity and exasperation they kept shooting at Frank and Joe. They took their places to Joe's left, across from their groomsmen counterparts Chet Morton, Biff Hooper, and Phil Cohen.

The wedding march began to play, and the guests rose to their feet. All eyes turned to Nancy as she entered on her father's arm, but she could see only Frank Hardy, standing on the low dais at the bottom of the aisle, his hands clasped in front of him. The way his eyes fixed intently on her made her feel hot all over. It seemed to take forever to make it to his side.

Carson shook Frank's hand before turning to his daughter, misty-eyed, to kiss her on the forehead. Nancy took a deep breath to calm herself as her father stepped away and sat in the first pew next to Frank's parents. She couldn't remember if they were supposed to hold hands this early in the ceremony, but she reached for Frank's hand anyway. "Thanks for showing up." she whispered to him.

"Thanks for waiting." He twined their fingers together and pulled her just a half-step closer to him. "I'm so, so sorry, Nan. We had a bit of a situation." he whispered back.

She frowned. "Are you okay?" That was all that mattered now; he'd tell her the whole story later.

He smiled warmly at her. "I've never been better." he murmured softly, and, even though she'd have to pretend to be furious later, she instantly forgave him for being late.

Vanessa was making her way down the aisle now, her arm looped through her mother's. When they reached the bottom, Nancy saw a similar whispered conversation go down between Vanessa and Joe.

The priest, a small, elderly man with watery eyes obscured by thick glasses, began to speak, and both couples turned to face him. "Dearly beloved," he announced, "we are gathered here today to witness the blessed unions of Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew, and Joseph Hardy and Vanessa Bender."

Anticipation shivered through Nancy. Frank must have felt it, because he squeezed her hand gently.

"Marriage is an ancient and sacred institution, creating a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and is not to be entered into lightly or irreverently-"

The priest was interrupted as the main door to the church flew open, slamming against the wall.

"Stop the wedding!"

Nancy spun around, startled, as two men, dressed in identical gray sweatsuits, charged down the aisle. A collective gasp sounded throughout the church. A few of the guests screamed. The Hardys' Aunt Gertrude, sitting in the front row with their parents, fainted dead away.

The priest flipped around in the book he was holding, looking confused. "I haven't got to that part..." he said feebly. He squinted at the newcomers through his thick glasses, finally realizing what had frightened the guests. The book tumbled to the floor with a thump.

As impossible as it was, the intruders were none other than Frank and Joe Hardy.

It took a full fifteen seconds for Nancy's brain to even begin processing what had just happened. Her fiance was standing right beside her, holding her hand, looking just as stunned as she was. And yet, there he was in front of her, breathing heavily, desperation evident in his eyes. She looked from one to the other, hardly knowing what to say. Obviously they couldn't _both_ be Frank.

But which one _was_?

"Joe?" Vanessa said weakly. Like Nancy, her eyes flickered between the man beside her and the one who had just arrived. "What's happening?"

"Stop the wedding..." the Joe wearing the sweatsuit repeated, still panting. His eyes focused on tuxedo-wearing Joe, burning with anger. "Get away from them." he ordered. He looked from Vanessa to Nancy. "Are you girls all right?"

In unison, both grooms shifted, placing themselves between their brides and the sweatsuit-clad newcomers. "How the hell did these guys escape?" Tuxedo Joe asked his brother.

Nancy wasn't sure whether to drop Frank's hand or hold it tighter. She could see his muscles tense up under his jacket as he answered in a grim voice. "I really don't know."

Tuxedo Joe turned back to Vanessa, cupping her stunned face with one hand. "Don't worry, babe. I'll take care of this."

"I said, don't_ touch_ her!" Sweatpants Joe roared, leaping into action. He took the last few steps at a sprint and collided with his counterpart in midair, fists swinging.

That seemed to be all the signal Frank required for dropping Nancy's hand and confronting his own counterpart, lashing out with a kick to the other man's abdomen. Sweatpants Frank twisted away at the last second, retaliating with an attack of his own, which was also skillfully circumvented.

The church erupted into chaos as the guests panicked, but had no idea how to even begin to cope with the situation. Some bunched together nervously, huddled in their pews. A few ran for the doors. Anyone in the vicinity of the fighting pairs quickly cleared the way, as both Joes and both Franks continued swinging. The parents looked on in horror and confusion, Fenton and Andrea supporting the unconscious Aunt Gertrude. The groomsmen looked like they were ready to jump into the fight, but weren't sure which side they should take.

Nancy and Vanessa stood together in the center of the dais, hands clasped, watching the chaos with dismay. Vanessa looked sick to her stomach. "When I said I wanted a double wedding, this is not what I meant."


	2. Full House

A/N: Thanks to Caranath, Ealasaid Una, Me, Really Cinderella, Shenice, Guest, LazyPanther, moustachelover14, supernaturalsam, bhar, and Tigress2929 for your reviews! I'm so happy that you're intrigued/confused.

The HB Casefiles actually ARE as weird as this. I mean, a lot of them are fun mystery/adventure stories, but periodically you come across the ones that are just gloriously bizarre. _Those are the gems._

* * *

"We have to do something." Nancy said, watching the fights ongoing in the main aisle of the church. Her voice said she was confident but her expression said she was lost.

Vanessa nodded. She picked up her long, flowing skirts and waded to the edge of the dais. "STOP!" she yelled.

The Franks continued fighting, but both Joes paused at the sound of her voice. "Just a minute, Van." Tuxedo Joe hissed, his neck caught in his opponent's choking half-nelson. A second later he was free, sweeping Sweatpants Joe's feet from under him and flinging him to the ground. But Sweatpants Joe immediately rolled out of the blow, springing back to his feet, and the fighting continued.

"Frank?" Nancy said, edging closer to where her fiance and his double—whichever may be which—were still locked in combat. Tuxedo Frank looked back at her, giving Sweatpants Frank the opportunity to hammer a blow into his solar plexus. "What the hell is going on?"

Tuxedo Frank was up again the second he went down, firing another high kick at his opponent's ribs. "At the risk of being patronizing, Nan—" Sweatpants Frank grunted as the kick connected. "—Evil doubles." The two Franks continued circling one another.

"Evil doubles! Of course!" Nancy repeated, for all the world as though having malevolent doppelgangers crash your wedding was a normal, everyday occurrence. But there was a shrill note of hysteria in her voice, which manifested itself in a frustrated stamp of one high-heeled foot. "You don't say!" She took a few deep breaths through her nose to keep herself together.

Tuxedo Joe landed a particularly rough punch that laid his opponent flat on the ground. However, just as he went in for the knockout blow, Sweatpants Frank broke away from his fight. He grabbed Tuxedo Joe's collar, and there was a ripping sound as he fell backward, missing his target. In seconds, the fighting went from two separate battles to a doubles match.

Bess buried her face in her hands. "That was a rental tux."

"Guys!" Vanessa appealed to the groomsmen. "You've gotta break it up!"

Chet, Biff, and Phil jumped off the dais and approached the melee carefully. It took both Chet and Phil to restrain Sweatpants Frank, while Biff handled Tuxedo Joe with some help from Carson. Officer Con Riley, of the Bayport P.D., and Chief McGinnis, of Nancy's hometown police department, fought their way through the frightened guests and attempted to separate the remaining two, which proved to be a bit more difficult. Chief McGinnis took an accidental swipe from Tuxedo Frank, sending him reeling backwards. Nancy gasped, leaping nimbly off the stage to steady him, only to be caught in the face by a flying elbow from Sweatpants Joe.

There was instant silence in the church as Nancy fell to the ground, blood dripping from her mouth. Frank and Joe stopped fighting, looking stricken. "Oh my god, Nance." said Sweatpants Joe. "I'm so sor-"

"Save it." Tuxedo Frank snapped, stooping next to Nancy. "Are you okay, Nan?" he asked gently, offering her his hand.

"Don't you touch her." Sweatpants Frank growled. He struggled against Chet and Phil, but they managed to keep hold of him.

Nancy looked at the man in front of her as she wiped the blood away from her mouth with the back of her hand. She wished, more than anything, that she could be sure that this man was Frank. _Her _Frank. It was her wedding day, and it had been crashed by her fiance's _evil twin_, and she had gotten punched in the mouth right there in the church, and she didn't know _who _she was supposed to be marrying anymore. She was _not_ okay.

No one could possibly blame her for dissolving into tears at that point, but Nancy Drew was not that kind of woman.

She let Tuxedo Frank help her up and wrap his arm around her waist, and she studied him, hoping she would find some clue, that he would give her some hint, as to which was the real Frank. She could feel Sweatpants Frank's eyes on her, concern and venom warring in his gaze.

Bess rushed forward with a wad of tissues to prevent blood from dripping onto Nancy's dress. "You're a good maid of honor, Bess." Nancy said gratefully. As she dabbed the blood from her throbbing lip, she gradually became aware that everybody in the church was staring at her. "I think, maybe, we should work this out somewhere we can get a little more privacy?" she suggested. Stepping out of Frank's arms, she looked hard at the two Franks and two Joes. "Brides' room, please. And no more fighting."

"Right." Vanessa agreed. "If any of you makes a move we'll be forced to assume you're the evil ones."

Sweatpants Joe tried to protest. "Van, please-"

Vanessa leveled him with a hard look. "I'll choose right now. And I don't think any of these people would blame me if I picked the one who _didn't_ show up for our wedding wearing a track suit."

There were no further complaints as the grooms reluctantly allowed their friends and families to herd them out of the main hall of the church.

Vanessa and Nancy followed behind at the back of the group, their arms looped together in a show of solidarity. "I feel like I should be able to look at them both and just _know_ which one is mine." Nancy murmured. "This feels like a test, and I'm failing. How can I not know?"

Vanessa took a deep breath and patted Nancy's arm. "You know... I'm sure all married couples go through this sort of thing." she said. After a beat, they both dissolved into slightly-hysterical giggles.

Unfortunately, privacy wasn't particularly _private_, Nancy reflected, once you had crammed two brides, four grooms, four parents, two bridesmaids, two groomsmen, and a cop all into the brides' dressing room. Luckily, Chief McGinnis had volunteered to stay and try to calm down the guests, along with Phil Cohen and George, whom they had left trying to comfort the distraught priest. Nancy's housekeeper and surrogate mother Hannah Gruen had taken charge of caring for Gertrude, whom they had moved into the coat check room to give her some space.

Both Franks and both Joes were unrestrained now, none of them making any violent moves at the moment, although Biff and Chet were keeping careful eyes on them. All four were seated on folding chairs, arranged in a line. Nancy noticed that the Frank and Joe she'd originally seen on the altar were sticking close together, and that the two wedding crashers were doing the same.

"Ideas? Anyone?" she asked the room at large. As she'd expected, everybody looked as utterly baffled as she felt.

Bess returned to the room with handkerchief wrapped around a bag of ice, which she handed to Nancy to press against her swelling lip. "Are we going to propose to cut Nancy in half and see which Frank objects?" she asked with a smile. One of the Joes smirked, but the rest of the room stared at her like she had three heads. Meekly, she continued, "You know, like the story with the baby... and Solomon... never mind."

Nancy bit back a chuckle. Poor Bess. The situation was so ludicrous, and she was doing the best she could to lighten things up. Unfortunately for her, the tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife. Whether it was because she was a detective, or because she was one of the brides, it seemed that everyone was expecting _her_ to figure out what was going on here.

She briefly entertained the notion of trying to pass the duty on to the maids of honor—they were failing horribly at their job of making the wedding run smoothly.

Nancy walked forward slowly, looking first into one Frank's face, then the other's. Discounting the various forming bruises from their encounter in the church, the two were perfectly identical, down to the last freckle. Even looking into their eyes didn't help—both men had the same deep brown eyes, both full of frustration at the situation, both begging her to pick him.

"I..." she swallowed hard, her cheeks burning with shame. "I don't know."

She stepped back, and Laura Hardy stepped forward, studying all four men intently. Everyone in the room went still; it went without saying that if there was one person who should be able to spot the imposters, it would be Frank and Joe's mother. Laura moved from one to the next slowly, a troubled look on her face. She stopped at the end of the line, reaching out a trembling hand to touch the face of Sweatpants Joe. Tuxedo Joe looked hurt and angry. "Mom-" he began.

Laura snatched her hand away quickly. "I'm not sure." she whispered, sounding positively horrified at herself. She looked at Fenton, who wrapped a comforting arm around her.

"It's okay, Mom." Tuxedo Frank spoke up. "The guys who did this, they're real professionals. It's their job to make good copies."

"'The guys who did this.'" Nancy repeated, and Frank looked upset at himself for saying so much. "Let's start there, shall we? Who did this?"

Both pairs of men exchanged glances with their partners, but none of them spoke.

"All right, boys. One of you is going to have to explain what's going on." Vanessa said, addressing the potential grooms.

All four men began talking at once, and Nancy held up her hands to stop them. "One at a time." she said. "You first, Tuxedo Frank."

"Tuxedo Frank?" Sweatpants Frank repeated, a sparkle in his eye.

Nancy glared at him, but she was blushing. "That's how I've been distinguishing you guys in my head. And you're Sweatpants Frank, so be quiet."

"That's good." Vanessa muttered approvingly. "I've been using Joe I and Joe II."

Nancy nodded, "That was my first thought, but I was worried I might accidentally bias myself towards Frank I by doing that, since Frank I should obviously be the title reserved for the original, and we don't know which one that is."

"Your way is better." Vanessa agreed. She turned to Tuxedo Frank. "You were about to explain what this is all about?"

"I can't." he answered, his eyes pleading with Nancy. "Not in front of all these people."

Nancy immediately understood what he meant. Whenever Frank was reluctant to talk about a case in front of other people, it usually had something to do with the Network, the top-secret government organization he and Joe sometimes worked for. In fact, she wondered why she hadn't suspected Network involvement from the beginning, especially when she considered their honeymoon plans.

She gathered the friends and family around in a circle. "All right," she said. "Everybody out. Vanessa and I want to talk to the guys alone."

A collective protest went up from the room. Everybody was worried for the brides' safety. More importantly, nobody wanted to miss the story of how Frank and Joe had somehow acquired evil identical twins.

Fenton cleared his throat. "Nancy... I'm not sure this is the best idea."

"Yeah," Biff spoke up. "Someone should stay with you girls, in case they try to attack you or something."

"They won't." Vanessa said, sounding surer than she felt as she glanced back at the two Joes.

"And if they do, we'll have figured out who the imposters are." Nancy pointed out with a smile.

"Yes, but _they'll be attacking you_." Biff reminded her.

Nancy shrugged. "I'm sure we can take them, with help from the real Frank and Joe."

Bess groaned. "But your _dress_, Nan..."

"I know..." Nancy sighed. "But some things just have to be sacrificed."

After a few more mumbled protests, and several assurances that help would be waiting just outside, Nancy shut the door to the brides' room and took her place next to Vanessa.

Two brides. Four grooms.

"Finally." she quipped. "We're alone."

* * *

A/N: It's so incredibly awkward trying to distinguish between the doubles while writing that I just had to hang a lampshade on it and move on haha. Review, please!


	3. Flush

A/N: Thank you, _thank you_ to Caranath, Really Cinderella, gwen, lovepinnk, the. vulture, LazyPanther, Me, Jabba1, and Ealasaid Una for your reviews. I look forward to every one I get, and I so appreciate your writing them.

Here's where we really start to get into spoilers (meaning: some things will actually start getting explained). In addition to the previously mentioned _Lazarus Plot_, I've also made some references to _HB Casefile #80: Dead of Night_. (Another personal favorite of mine. Nothing even _approaching_ these levels of batshit insanity ever goes down in the ND Files. For real.)

Enjoy!

* * *

The two brides stared down at the four Hardy boys.

"I have a few hunches." Nancy said. "But I'd like to hear what you have to say about all this." She motioned again to the Frank she'd held hands with at the altar.

Tuxedo Frank cleared his throat. "The first thing you need to know is that there is a group called the Lazarus clinic that specializes in creating doubles of people."

It was just like Frank to come straight to the heart of the matter, to explain the entire story in a coherent and logical order. Nancy wondered if the other Frank would have started his story the same way. "Like clones?" she asked.

Tuxedo Frank smiled at her. "Not really. It's a combination of extensive plastic surgery and psychological reprogramming. The staff mostly consists of war criminals from Germany, China, and Russia, using techniques developed by unethical human testing in prison camps during World War II and the Cold War." He must have seen her pale, because he agreed, "It's nasty stuff. They start with a person of a similar body type to the subject and surgically alter them to look identical to the original, even down to the fingerprints. They collect information about the original and use it to implant memories into the double's head using a sophisticated form of brainwashing. By the time they're done, the double knows everything the original knows, and his previous identity is completely erased."

"So, whichever ones of you are the copies might not even know you're the copies?" Vanessa said slowly.

Tuxedo Frank shrugged. "They might, or they might not."

"You mean _you_ might." Sweatpants Joe ground out. "Since you're the copies."

Nancy held up her hand to stop an argument from starting. "This is getting us nowhere."

"You don't understand, Nan! We've run into these guys before!" Sweatpants Joe exploded. "On a case in Maine. They made a double of... of Iola. As a trap, for me." At the reference to Joe's dead girlfriend, all eyes jumped to Vanessa, but she remained calm.

"And how could you tell it wasn't her?" Vanessa asked.

Tuxedo Joe answered before his counterpart could. "I couldn't." he said quietly. "They replicated her memories by reading her diary. I thought it was really her, until she pulled a gun on us."

"Iola wasn't the only one who was doubled, Joe." Tuxedo Frank reminded. "So was Vanessa. Callie too."

Vanessa grew pale, and Nancy looped a supportive arm around her waist. "What are you talking about?" she asked Frank.

But Vanessa spoke up before he could answer. "A couple of years ago..." she murmured. "On Halloween... I saw..."

Sweatpants Joe's eyes widened. "You did see your double, didn't you?" he said, and shuddered. "That was the day that I thought you blew up, and the zombies were coming out of the ground, the elderly midget in a skeleton costume gave me a ghost message on a candy wrapper..." he trailed off, eyes still wide, until he realized that everyone was staring at him."Well... I... I guess from your point of view, it was the day you got kidnapped and stashed in an old mill for a couple of hours."

Vanessa shook her head wondrously. "I remember wrestling with her, when she was trying to shoot you. I knew that she looked like me, but... I guess I just thought I was a little messed up from the drugs they gave me. I don't know why I never asked you about it. I guess I thought you were trying to forget the whole thing."

"I was."

Nancy stared around at them all incredulously. "What do you get _up _to in Bayport? Is this whole evil double thing more normal than I think it should be? Does _everyone_ have one?"

"Callie's is dead." Tuxedo Frank said flatly, with an expression that Nancy couldn't—and didn't care to—identify. Instead, she moved on.

"So there's a group that makes doubles of people, and the doubles can also be programmed to act, to kill." she surmised. "That's one difference between the fakes and the originals."

"But there have to be other flaws!" Vanessa said. "There's no way they could replicate a person's memories _exactly_. Especially since neither of you guys keeps a journal, as far as I know." She looked at Nancy. "I want to talk to them both, separately. Whichever one's the fake is bound to have holes in his memory that the research didn't fill in."

Nancy nodded. "It's a good thought." she said. "But don't go far. Use the privacy screen in the corner." The ambient noise level from the rest of the church was loud enough that they could speak privately if they kept their voices low. "And you two—" she pointed at both Joes. "Don't try anything. I promised Bess I would try not to kick anyone's ass today."

While Vanessa cross-examined the two Joes, Nancy found herself faced with both Franks, who were looking at her expectantly. She grabbed one of the Joes' vacated chairs and sat down across from them. "So..."

Sweatpants Frank used his head to gesture over at Vanessa. "It's not going to work." he said. "Neither of us keep a journal, but we both write a lot of stuff down. We record the details of our cases pretty meticulously, we write letters and emails, we make phone calls and text people. It's all stuff people can get a hold of if they're powerful enough."

"True." Nancy said. "But she might stumble across a hole."

"Everyone has things they don't remember, Nan. Even the originals are going to have memory gaps. And human memory is one of the least reliable records you can have. It's incredibly suggestible. I'm sure that's how the fake Iola managed to fool Joe the first time around."

"I'll let Vanessa worry about the how." Nancy said calmly. "I want to talk about the _why_."

"Finally!" Tuxedo Frank grinned at her, causing his double to frown. "Someone asks the right question."

"Joe and Vanessa are going to the Caribbean for their honeymoon." Nancy said. "Frank and I are going to Egypt, because we thought it would be romantic to go back there as a _real_ married couple... and because the Network offered to pay our way if we accepted a courier mission while we were there." She looked between the two Franks. Neither seemed the least bit surprised by this information, not that she'd expected them to be. "It's a pretty simple mission: pick up a package of valuable intel, guard it with our lives, and bring it back to the States. It's also the most probable reason I can think of as to why somebody would want to replace the real Frank with a double: to get that package."

"The Assassins." Both Franks said together. With a glare at his counterpart, Sweatpants Frank elaborated, "The Lazarus clinic hires out their services to the Assassins, the terrorist organization that planted the bomb that killed Iola."

"Okay, the Assassins, then." Nancy allowed. "Let's be honest, it doesn't really matter who sent them. Once we figure out which one is you, you'll call in the Network, and they'll clean it up like it never happened.

"So let's say they—the Assassins—needed to make the switch before we left the country. Since we're leaving in the morning and we _were_ going to be surrounded by everyone we know for the rest of the night tonight, the most logical time to make the replacement was right before the wedding. As for why they tried to replace Joe too..." Nancy frowned in thought. "Maybe they thought he would notice if you weren't you. Regardless, one of two things happened."

She looked first at Sweatpants Frank. "You'll say that while you and Joe were getting ready for the wedding, these guys—your doubles—waylaid you and stole your tuxes. Then they incapacitated you, probably tied you up and left you somewhere, and came to take your places at the wedding. Of course, that would take a while, which is why they showed up late. You and Joe somehow managed to escape from wherever you were being held, and got here even later to stop the wedding."

"The trunk of their car." Sweatpants Frank confirmed. "Which they tried to roll into the river."

"You," she pointed to the other Frank, "Will say roughly the same thing, except that when the doubles attacked you and Joe, you were able to overpower them, leave them somewhere, and make it to the wedding late before_ they_ escaped and interrupted it."

"Right in one." Tuxedo Frank said. "As usual. I told you we had a bit of a situation."

"Which is actually grossly understating it, by the way." Nancy said, with a roll of her eyes. She lifted the bloodstained bundle of ice she'd been holding to her face and touched her lip tenderly. It was cold and sore.

Sweatpants Frank ran an agitated hand through his already-messy hair. "Joe and Van are going to kill us when they find out we ruined the wedding by taking on a secret Network mission without telling them."

Nancy grimaced. They _would_ be upset, and she could hardly blame them. Although, to be fair, no one on earth could _possibly_ have anticipated this happening. She sighed. "I guess the easiest way to prove you're the real Frank would be to contact the Network. I assume there's some kind of complicated trick to it that the fake wouldn't know."

Both Franks looked chagrined at this suggestion.

"That's going to be a problem." Sweatpants Frank said hesitantly. "There _is_ a complicated code we have to enter. But the modem we use to make contact was destroyed during the fight at my apartment earlier. I could tell you the code, but he'll just make up his own, and it will still be his word against mine." He frowned, then snapped his fingers. "Assassins often carry a hidden poison capsule in a false tooth, in case they get captured! Check our teeth."

The other Frank looked surprised, then said, "Don't bother, Nan. He must've known you were going to check and not worn his capsule. That's why he suggested it."

"I'd rather check for myself, if you don't mind." she sighed. "Open up."

"I'd expect nothing less." Tuxedo Frank said with a smile before opening his mouth wide.

Nancy peered in hesitantly.

"I won't bite." he said.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, _that's_ what I'm afraid of." She checked both of their mouths, even running her fingers over their molars, but found no false tooth. It was another stalemate. She closed her eyes, frustration momentarily washing over her. Suddenly, she was exhausted.

"We could-"

"Stop." Nancy held up a hand to quiet whichever Frank was trying to talk to her now. "I have to figure this out on my own. If either one of you helps me I'll spend the rest of my married life doubting you. And I'm thinking that life won't be too long, if you're telling the truth about the doubles working for the Assassins. I mean, it's _right there_ in the name."

Vanessa came back over then, the two Joes trailing behind her. Her face was bright red. "They both know everything." she murmured in Nancy's ear, sinking down into the chair beside her. "_Everything._ Even the _really_ personal stuff." She rested her forehead on Nancy's shoulder. "I want to die..."

Nancy frowned sympathetically, glad she hadn't decided to ask the Franks anything personal. The idea that one of these fake Franks might know the intimate details of her private life was as frightening as it was embarrassing. "Well..." she said finally. "There's only one thing left to do then."

"Which is?" Vanessa asked anxiously.

Nancy shrugged. "Pick your favorite and let's go get married."

"What?!" All four grooms and Vanessa.

"I suggest we go with the tuxedo brothers, since they won't need to waste even more time changing." Nancy deadpanned, standing up and using the damp handkerchief to wipe the last remnants of blood from her face. "We're burning daylight here. The reception started half an hour ago and we've barely started the wedding. We rented a hall, you guys."

"Are you insane?" Sweatpants Joe burst out.

Nancy ignored him, a tight bundle of nerves coiling in her stomach as she contemplated her next few sentences. Outwardly, though, she was calm, coolly leaning into the mirror to reapply lipstick to her slightly-swollen lips.

"What are we gonna do with these guys?" Tuxedo Joe asked, pointing a thumb at the outraged Sweatpants Joe and Frank.

"Tie them up, I guess." Nancy suggested. "We'll worry about them after the ceremony." She met Sweatpants Frank's eyes in the mirror and looked away quickly. It was now or never. She turned to the Joes. "I can't believe the Assassins went to this much trouble, risked this much exposure, all for a stupid package." she remarked.

"Package? What _package_?" Sweatpants Joe retorted angrily.

"It's not just a stupid package, Nancy. Do you know what could happen if that kind of sensitive military information fell into the wrong hands?" Tuxedo Joe answered at the same time.

"I know." she said to Tuxedo Joe slowly, calmly. _But __**you**__ shouldn't, _she finished silently, her eyes lighting up with triumph as she realized her trap had worked.

Then she swallowed hard as it registered that she was staring into the face of the fake Joe Hardy, a lethal assassin who was just realizing, in that moment, that he'd been made.

It all happened in two seconds. Tuxedo Joe grabbed for her, but Sweatpants Frank—the _real _Frank, she now knew—was too fast for him, leaping to her defense and twisting the false Joe's arm behind his back, forcing him to his knees.

Tuxedo Frank sprang into action at the same time, pushing Vanessa out of the way as he also lunged for Nancy. Vanessa's head smacked against one of the folding chairs, forcing the real Joe to forget about him and catch her.

Nancy saw Tuxedo Frank's attack out of the corner of her eye and whirled to face him, instinctively stepping back into a defensive position. Unfortunately, the heel of her shoe became ensnared in the hem of her silken dress. The fabric twisted around her ankle and she stumbled, lurching forward.

Directly into the false Frank's arms.

He spun her around to face the rest of the group, using one strong arm to keep her arms pinned to her sides. His other hand he wrapped around her throat, just under her jaw. "Nobody move," he commanded in a cold, heartless tone, a tone that the real Frank had never uttered. "Or I'll kill her right now."


	4. Straight

A/N: A million thanks to Caranath (lol it was a message, not a massage... it was a creepy book but not child-predator creepy), ILoveMom, Miss Sleuth, Me, LazyPanther (can't get anything past you ;P), lala (the trap was that the Real Joe didn't know anything about the mission, and Nancy tricked the fake Joe into revealing himself by talking about it), the. vulture, Shenice, Tigress2929 (Thank you-I love knowing which jokes actually worked lol), and supernaturalsam (I just _couldn't_ leave you hanging too long!). You guys are all wonderful, and I mean that.

On with the show!

* * *

"Don't." said the real Frank, an undercurrent of anger lacing his voice. And something else too.

_Fear._

"Let him go." Frank II ordered. "No false moves."

Defeated, Frank released the Joe imposter—Joe II—and slowly raised his hands to shoulder level in a non-threatening manner. His eyes locked on Nancy's and she could clearly see the helplessness he felt.

Joe II rose, scowling, and rammed a retaliatory fist into Frank's stomach. Frank grunted in pain. The real Joe was staring at his double like he'd like to kill him, but there was nothing he could do without further endangering Nancy. He kept one supportive arm wrapped around Vanessa, who was still reeling from her blow to the head, teetering unsteadily, a lump already beginning to form on her forehead.

Nancy gasped as Frank II's fingers tightened on her throat in a bruising grip. He was definitely strong enough to throttle the life out of her right here, maybe even to snap her neck. "I knew you were the fake." she choked out.

Frank II chuckled darkly. "No you didn't."

"I did." she gasped. "It wouldn't make much sense for for the fakes to draw so much attention to themselves by crashing the wedding. You could have come up with a backup plan, made the switch later tonight, or at the airport. The only ones who'd have a real motivation for stopping the wedding are the real Frank and Joe."

"Good point." Frank II said. "Although I could always make the argument that the fakes knew you would think that only the real Hardys would crash the wedding, and that's why they did it."

"We could take that train of thought in circles all day." Nancy said.

Vanessa, still holding her head, glared at Joe II. "I can't believe you creeps were going to _marry _us just to get some secret information."

"Well, sweetheart, I've had _much_ worse assignments than this." Joe II said with a wink. What would before have seemed like flirting now resembled a leer. It seemed impossible now that they could have mistaken these doubles for the real Frank and Joe. They were frighteningly good actors.

"Also," Nancy spoke up quickly as she felt Frank II's fingers flex on her throat. "During the brawl in the church, Frank broke away from his fight with you to help Joe. That was another hint."

Frank II scoffed. "Yes, yes. You're very observant." She felt his hot breath on her exposed neck as he leaned forward to murmur in her ear. "It's one of the reasons he's so attracted to you. And me, too, I guess..."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Nancy snarled.

"I might not be the real Frank Hardy, but I've got plenty of his memories." Frank II said. "Especially of _you_."

An involuntary shudder went through her. Vanessa was right—having a stranger have intimate memories of you was mortifying. Then she froze, her eyes widening, as she felt his mouth on her neck, trailing hot kisses from jawbone to shoulder blade. She began struggling against him, but it only seemed to amuse him. "Stop it." she hissed, feeling her face turn red. She couldn't bring herself to meet Frank's eyes, the real Frank, but she could practically feel the fury radiating off him.

"Such a shame you had to figure this all out." Frank II continued, removing his hand from her neck for an instant to lazily slide down one strap of her gown, exposing one shoulder. "I was looking forward to this honeymoon thing."

"You've gotta be _kidding_ me." Joe groaned, reminding her that he was there watching, which, of course, caused Nancy to blush even more deeply. "This is officially a nightmare."

"_This?_" she repeated, succeeding admirably at keeping her voice steady. "_This _is when it became a nightmare for you." She shrugged Frank II away from her as best she could. "And _you_. I don't know _what_ you think you're going to do to me here, now, but you're _not_ going to. Your plans are ruined. Even if you kill us, you're never going to get that package."

"Yeah," Joe added. "You've just practically exposed the existence of the Lazarus clinic and announced to the entire town that there's some seriously suspicious activity going down here, and all you've got to show for it is the satisfaction of having made Aunt Gertrude faint. I hope your Assassin bosses are cool with failure."

"But I doubt they will be." Frank finished calmly, but there was a threat in his voice.

"Nancy, Nancy, Nancy..." Frank II smirked. "You think I don't have a plan B? Have you forgotten who you're dealing with?"

"Oh, really?" Nancy didn't know what the Assassins' next move would be, but she was sure she wouldn't like it. Neither Frank nor Joe was in a position to make a move, especially while she was still serving as Frank II's human shield. And even if they could make a move, the odds against them in this fight were fifty-fifty at best. Now, they were just stalling. "And this glorious backup plan is...?" she asked skeptically.

Frank II laughed out loud. "You really think I'm just going to explain everything to you now, Nancy? The old 'get the bad guy talking' trick? Joe and I _invented_ that schtick. I've seen you use it yourself a dozen times."

"The Network isn't going to hand over that information to save four hostages." Frank warned. "Not even us."

"Good to know." said Frank II. "Well... plan C is to kill you all and continue to live out our lives as you. How does that suit you?" he looked down at Nancy, who was struggling, once again, in his arms. "And you might as well be first." he sighed. "I suppose it's no consolation to you at all that I'm not really going to enjoy this."

"You poor thing." Nancy managed to grind out as Frank II increased the pressure on her windpipe. The edges of her vision began to darken.

The door to the brides' room slammed open, and a man Nancy did not recognize stood there. He was short, balding, generally unexceptional looking... except for the Browning automatic pistol in his hands. He was flanked by Fenton Hardy, and half a dozen other men in black suits.

Startled by the sudden intrusion, Frank II eased up on Nancy's throat, just for a second. Recognizing what was potentially her last opportunity, she lifted her foot and stomped the spiked heel of her shoe into Frank II's foot. Caught off guard by the attack, his grip on her loosened enough for her to work free one elbow, which she then drove into his kidney with all the force she could muster. He doubled over and she burst free from his hold, gasping for breath, only to be caught once more... by the real Frank, who hauled her up into his arms like he never wanted to let her go.

Which was fine with her.

"It's those ones!" Vanessa was shouting, pointing at the imposters. The men in the black suits converged on the fake Hardys. Their leader approached Nancy, Vanessa, Frank, and Joe.

"Mr. Gray." Frank said, nodding at the man in grateful acknowledgment.

Understanding dawned on Nancy. "The Gray Man!" she exclaimed. She had heard Frank and Joe speak of their Network contact, but had never met him in person... somehow, she doubted many people had.

The Gray Man smiled. "Hello, boys. And you're Ms. Drew, of course. Glad to meet you." He turned to Vanessa. "Lovely to see you again, Ms. Bender."

Vanessa looked utterly lost. If she'd met Mr. Gray before, she didn't seem to remember him.

Still clutching Nancy to his side, Frank looked over to where the false Hardys were being handcuffed and frisked for weapons. Then he looked back at the Gray Man, standing with his hands in the pockets of his wrinkled gray trenchcoat, as debonair as you please. "We broke the modem before we had a chance to contact you." he said, mystified. "How did you manage to find us?"

The Gray Man's eyebrows rose. "I was invited to the wedding."

"You most definitely were _not_ invited to the wedding." Joe said flatly.

"I ordered the fish."

"I have to say, I'm glad you came anyway." Frank spoke up quickly. "In fact, we could have used your help sooner."

The Gray Man shrugged. "I was in the church the whole time. When I saw your doubles—or rather, you—charging in, I obviously knew that we were dealing with Lazarus. I immediately stepped into the hall to make a call to headquarters and arrange for a strike team. You all walked right past me on your way to this room."

"I didn't see you there..." Nancy said, a little suspiciously.

Joe shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Forget it, Nance. Being completely unnoticeable is kind of his thing."

"So, about those guys..." Frank began, gesturing to his and Joe's doubles.

The Gray Man held up his hands. "No need to explain. It's obvious what they were doing here. We'll get them back to HQ and shake them down if we need any more details."

"But, all these witnesses..."

"Cleanup will be a bit touchy." the Gray Man agreed. "But we'll manage. We'll come up with a cover story as to why someone crashed the wedding. They used makeup to look like you, it was some sort of prank... You get the idea. Consider it taken care of."

Nancy leaned in close to Frank's ear. "See? Like it never happened." she murmured teasingly.

Fenton approached the group, looking with concern at the darkening marks on Vanessa's head and Nancy's neck. "Is everyone okay?" he asked.

"Pretty ticked off..." Joe glowered.

Vanessa ran a soothing hand over his shoulders. "We're fine." she said with a wan smile. "It could have been much worse."

Bemused, Fenton looked over the four young people, bloody, bruised, and disheveled. "Are we still having a wedding, then?"

"Yes." Joe said immediately, squeezing Vanessa's waist.

Vanessa looked up and into his eyes. "Yes." she echoed.

Nancy turned to Frank, picking up his hand and noting the scrapes, cuts and swelling from the earlier fistfight. "I don't know..." she said, her eyes sparkling. "You think you can fit a ring over those bruised knuckles, Hardy?"

Tenderly, Frank reached over and brushed back a lock of hair that had escaped her updo during the scuffle. "Yeah," he said softly. "I think I can."

"Okay then." Fenton said with a chuckle, seeing that the two couples were lost in their own worlds. "I guess I'd better go see if I can find the priest."

He left, and Frank, Nancy, Joe, and Vanessa watched as the two imposters were led out of the room, still in cuffs.

"You'd better hope Liz Webling doesn't get a picture of that for the newspaper." Vanessa teased.

"Gray Man won't let her." Joe said with certainty.

Frank II shot Nancy a knowing smirk as he passed her, and she bristled, tucking herself closer to Frank.

"So you really knew?" Frank asked her quietly. "You could tell which one was me?"

"Uhh... Well, I was eighty percent sure." Nancy confessed with a little grin.

"Eighty percent!" Frank repeated, offended.

Nancy laughed, planting a light kiss on his cheek. "Sorry, darlin', you're marrying a gambler." She ran one hand down his sleeve and then froze, her eyes widening. "Wait!" she called suddenly to the men who were guarding the doubles. "You can't take them yet!"

The group paused in the doorway. Frank II wore a lascivious grin which faded as Nancy marched up to him confidently. She gave him a wicked smile of her own.

"We need their clothes."

* * *

A few minutes later, the brides and grooms exited the room to find themselves surrounded by parents, relatives, and the wedding party.

Bess and Callie looked at the four in dismay. "Maybe it's for the best that the wedding photographer already left." Bess said with a sigh.

"I don't know, Bess," George said with a chuckle, "I think this would make an absolutely fitting wedding album."

Callie peered at the purple bump on Vanessa's forehead with concern. "Good God, Van, what happened to you?"

Vanessa touched the lump carefully. "Is it that bad? I was just going to go into the bathroom and push it back into my skull."

"I'll do you one better." Callie said. "I've got some fantastic concealer in my purse." She smiled at Nancy. "For you too, Nancy. Did you know you've got a handprint on your neck?"

"I suspected." Nancy said with a rueful laugh.

"Well, we can fix your hair up easily." Bess said, looking at the brides with a critical eye. "Dammit, Nancy, you ripped your dress! Oh, well, I can stitch that up real quick; it's salvageable. But I told you to be careful!"

Nancy looked down at the tear where her shoe had caught her hem. "I was being careful, Bess, honest." she said sheepishly.

"Speaking of being careful," Bess said, herding the wedding party together into a private corner, "If we're going to be having clones of ourselves running around, we should really have some kind of... safewords, or something, to tell each other we're not evil."

"No use." Joe said with a casual shrug. "My double actually knew all our safewords."

"Ugh," Callie said. "Thanks for sharing, Joe."

Vanessa was blushing scarlet. "Is it too late for me to choose the evil one?"

When the guests reclaimed their seats in the church and the girls reconvened in the brides' room to do the necessary makeup and wardrobe repairs, Frank reached over and flicked at Joe's collar, which was only attached to his shirt by about an inch of fabric. "Maybe you should get Bess to patch that up, too." he suggested.

"You ask her." Joe retorted. "You ripped it."

"You elbowed my bride in the face."

"You took on a secret Network mission without telling me and got our wedding crashed by doppelgangers."

"Touche." Frank said, running a hand through his hair. "Listen, Joe... I really am sorry about this. If I'd had any idea this would happen..."

"I know. It's fine." Joe clapped him on the back. "You know, I bet someday this story is going to be really hilarious. ...Someday."

"It might be if we were actually allowed to tell it." Frank pointed out, and they both laughed.

"Besides, I should have known that any trip with you and Nan was going to include a case." Joe said. "Nancy doesn't even bother going on vacation unless she can get mixed up in _at least_ one major crime ring."

Frank snorted. "Look who's talking."

Nancy slipped out of the brides' room, freshly made up and looking radiant, and hooked her arm through Frank's. "You ready to do this wedding thing again?" she asked.

"Still the first time for me." Frank reminded her teasingly. "So try not to spoil the ending."

Nancy leaned in and gave him a deep kiss on the lips. "Whoops." she said. "Guess I gave it away."

"You guys are disgusting." Joe said with a grin.

They ignored him, instead peering through the doorway into the church. The number of guests sitting in the pews had waned dramatically over the past two hours. Their parents stood at the back, ready to restart the procession, along with Hannah Gruen and a much-revived Aunt Gertrude. Chet, Biff, and Phil had already retaken their places on the dais. Even the elderly priest had returned to finish the service.

"Sorry so many of the guests have already left." Frank said.

Vanessa joined them in the hallway and slipped her hand into Joe's. "That's alright," she said with a smile. "Everyone important is still here."

* * *

A/N: Aww, fluff and happiness. Sorry it got weirdly dark and sexy there for a minute with Evil Frank, but I remembered what kind of story I was writing and pulled myself back lol. Clearly, I've got issues.

Anyway, there's one more chapter left. Let me know what you think!


	5. Epilogue

A/N: My apologies for the long wait; I wrote the entire chapter and then realized it wasn't even remotely funny, so I had to start over. Angst kept wanting to creep in, as well as long, boring discussions about how society could continue to function with the advent of identical doubles that are routinely created and controlled by terrorists. Yuck. (Seriously though, if anyone ever wants to get into it about the Assassins, PM me lol.)

Anyway, I'm still not sure how I feel about the final result... tell me what you think!

* * *

"This place brings back so many good memories." Nancy said with a contented sigh as she strolled hand-in-hand with Frank through a marketplace in Cairo.

"Like the time we were entombed alive?" Frank joked.

"Not specifically what I was referring to..." Nancy said. "But in a way, yes. Although that was in Luxor, and you know it."

They had visited Cairo on their previous trip to Egypt—on a case that had involved posing as a married couple—but both had agreed that it was worth a return trip. It was nice to be able to tour the country and see the sights as themselves, without having to worry about portraying false identities.

They had revisited the Great Sphinx and the Pyramids at Giza that morning, then returned to Cairo, where they were now preparing to rendezvous with a Network agent disguised as a produce vendor. The area was crowded with vendors selling food, clothing, jewelry, crafts, and other items from carts and booths along the street, shielded from the blazing sun by colorful umbrellas and awnings. There were so many vendors, with such similar setups, that Nancy had no idea how they were ever going to spot the right one.

"I think that's our guy." Frank said, nodding his head towards one of the carts.

At first glance, the only thing remarkable about the vendor was how entirely ordinary he looked. Nancy shook her head. When you were working with the Network, ordinary-looking was more suspicious than suspicious-looking, and that was a concept that could make you crazy. Now that she thought about it, it was really no wonder Frank was such a worrywart. "How do you know?" she asked. "He fits in with everyone else, but... so does everyone else."

Frank shrugged. "I can just tell. There's only a few selling produce, and that one's cart is tilted just a little off from the rest, so conversations with customers wouldn't be heard as clearly. Plus, it's right near that alley-"

"-In case he needs to make a quick escape." Nancy finished, catching on. She looked at him admiringly. "You know, you don't have to impress me anymore." she teased, "I already married you, remember?"

Frank squeezed her hand. "You don't have to be impressed unless he responds to the code phrase." he told her.

Together, they walked over to the produce cart, which was stacked high with fruits and vegetables both familiar and exotic. Behind it were several barrels filled with various kinds of nuts and legumes. The vendor was a short man with tanned skin and a dark mustache. Like many of the other merchants, he was clothed in traditional Egyptian garments. "Can I help you?" he said in heavily accented English, obviously perceiving them to be Americans.

Frank cleared his throat. "Do you sell many pistachios in the off-season?" he said in a serious voice.

The vendor was equally solemn in his response. "There is no off-season," he said, "for pistachios."

Frank nodded. "Then we'd like to buy some of your best fruit."

"The figs are very juicy." the vendor replied, withdrawing a brown paper bag from behind the cart. Nancy doubted there were figs in it. "They are quite _expensive_." But he handed the bag to Frank without waiting for money.

Though she knew they were speaking in code, Nancy bit her lip to prevent herself from giggling at the two grown men discussing fruit with such gravity. The pistachios bit had been a recognition code, to prove that they were indeed each others' contacts. By requesting the vendor's "best fruit," Frank had been asking for the package of information they were supposed to convey back to the States. Information which was, according to the undercover agent, apparently both valuable and juicy.

Frank thanked the vendor and handed the bag to Nancy to slip into her purse. As they turned to leave, however, the man called after them. "Be careful! The olives have pits in them!"

"What?" Frank turned back around slowly. "_Pits?_"

"_Pits._" the vendor repeated with wide eyes, as though he was trying to beam the message directly into Frank's brain. "And I regret to inform you that the two-for-one special is no longer available."

"No longer available." Frank repeated, a dark frown beginning to crease his face.

"Gone away." the vendor said, making a fluttering motion with his hand.

Now Nancy was confused. Frank had explained the code to her briefly, but she didn't remember him saying anything about olives or specials. Whatever the agent was saying, though, was clearly upsetting him.

"You're telling me the two-for-one special is _gone?_" he repeated incredulously. "How did this happen? Is it going to be brought _back?_"

The other man held out his hands. "I don't set the specials. I just sell the fruit."

"Well can you tell me _anything?_" Frank pressed. He was beginning to look angry now. "Where-?"

"_I just sell fruit!_" the vendor said quickly, cutting him off. "But you should also keep an eye out for other specials. You can get very good deals here. Locally."

"Fine. Thanks." Frank said, scrubbing his face in frustration as he stalked away from the cart.

The vendor caught Nancy's arm as she made to follow him. "Be careful," he said again.

"Because the olives have pits. I know. I got it." Nancy assured him with a smile. "Thank you!" She took a few steps away from the cart. "I didn't get it." she confessed to herself. She had to jog a few steps to catch up with Frank, hooking her arm into his. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked lightly. "Did the crow _not_ fly at midnight, or something?"

Frank didn't appreciate her attempt at code humor. "'Specials' are bad guys." he explained tersely. "The 'two-for-one special' is-"

"The doubles!" Nancy gasped as she finally figured it out. "They escaped from custody?"

"I guess so." Frank said. "You know everything I know, at this point."

She squeezed his arm sympathetically. "I'm so sorry, Frank." She pressed a kiss to his shoulder and smiled. "We should have known no one could hold them for long. After all, they're just as smart and just as strong as you and Joe. Add that to the fact that they're completely ruthless, and it's really no surprise they're unstoppable."

"They're stoppable." Frank said darkly.

"Okay." Nancy said apologetically. She knew that, despite trying to compliment him, she'd said the wrong thing. "Then that's what we'll do. First thing when we get home, okay?"

She felt his muscles tense under her hands. "Not you."

"Not me what?" Then her eyes widened and she actually stopped walking in the middle of the crowded street. "Are you kidding me right now?" Frank tried to get her to keep moving with the flow of traffic, but she wouldn't budge. "We've been married for twelve days and you're already trying to kick me off of a case?"

"Nan, no." Frank protested. Her pulled her over to one side of the path, out of the way of the passing shoppers. "It's not like that. You know I wouldn't do that."

"Then what is it like?" Nancy asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"I just..." Frank sighed. "I just couldn't take it if something happened to you. Especially on this one."

"Please, Frank. I can take care of myself." she reminded him. "Besides, it's not like I want anything to happen to you either." Though she was still irritated, there was a twinkle in her eye as she added, "Some people might think you're _replaceable_, but you're not." She reached up to poke his nose with her finger, but he caught her hand and held it in his own.

"You don't get it, Nan." he said softly. "Try to see what happened in the church from my point of view. Seeing him standing at the altar with you, seeing him defend you, pick you up off the floor... He could have been me. And then standing in the brides' room, watching him hurt you, watching _myself_ hurt you..."

Nancy drew in a deep breath as she realized that Frank had been much more affected by the wedding debacle than she'd realized. Evil doubles might be more common in Bayport than River Heights, but that didn't mean they were any less serious. "Frank..."

He huffed a bitter laugh. "That's _my _handprint on your neck, Nan."

"It might be your handprint, but you didn't put it there." Nancy reminded him, concern creasing her eyebrows. "Where is this coming from? That psychopath _looked_ like you, but he_ wasn't_ you."

"He had my thoughts, my memories." Frank pointed out. "He knew the things I was going to say before I said them, knew the move I was going to make before I made it."

"So he knew you pretty well. So what?" Nancy said. "He told me himself about how the doubles are brainwashed to kill. That's programming, Frank. It's not something that's naturally inside you." She brought up a hand to caress his cheek. "I'm sure of it. _One hundred _percent, this time." she said with a small smile. "Don't forget, I know you fairly well myself."

Frank nodded, turning his face into her palm to kiss it. "Thanks, Nan. Sorry to get worked up, it's just that I thought I was going to lose you before I got a chance to marry you. And to know what my double wanted to do to you, what he almost got away with... And you would have thought he was _me_."

"Darling, I may never have heard of the Lazarus Clinic, but if you ever behaved like that towards me even I would know that _something_ was horribly wrong. Although... the kissing? That I could live with."

Frank raised a rakish eyebrow, catching her around the waist and pulling her tight against his body while he kissed her.

When he finally released her, she was flushed and breathless. "That's more like it." she murmured. She wound her arms around his waist and squeezed. "We'll track those guys down. Together. And someday very soon we're going to have a long conversation where you tell me all about all the strange cases you and Joe have worked. I never want to be caught _that_ off-guard again."

"Sorry, Nan. Most of those cases are _need-to-know._" Frank said with a grin, using a phrase that he knew would get her riled.

Nancy was pleased that his melancholy mood seemed to have passed. She poked one finger into his chest. "We're married now, Hardy. If you need to know, I need to know."

"I don't remember that being in the vows."

Nancy laughed. "It should have been."

Frank shook his head. "Nosy..."

"Guilty." Nancy confessed with a smile. "And speaking of me being nosy, I peeked into the package. It's a hard drive." The strap of her purse was stretched across her torso to deter thieves, but she patted it anyway to reassure herself that the vital cargo was still present. "What do you think are the chances you'll be able to access whatever's on it so that we can have a look?"

"Slim-to-none." Frank answered, taking her hand and leading her back into the street. They began heading back toward their hotel. "If it's as important as everyone says—and judging from the lengths our wedding crashers went to to get it, that's pretty important—it'll be so encrypted it would take ten years to hack it."

"You could still try." Nancy suggested. "You've always been good at that sort of thing."

"I hate to disappoint you, Nan, but I think you're overestimating my talents." Frank said. "Besides, I can think of plenty of things I'd rather do with the last day of our honeymoon than sit in front of a computer."

"Oh?" Nancy cocked her head innocently. "Do any of them include me?"

"They _all_ include you." Frank returned with a wink.

Nancy laughed, dropping his hand and instead sliding her arm around his waist. "Okay." she said. "You talked me out of it. Whatever is on that drive can remain a mystery forever."

Frank draped his own arm over her shoulders. "Thank god." he said. She knew he was thinking that he definitely couldn't have hacked the drive anyway, and maybe he was right.

She snuggled against him as they walked, content for the moment... until she caught sight of a man's reflection in a copper pot hanging from one of the merchants' booths. If she wasn't mistaken, she had seen the man before—several streets back. It could be a coincidence... or, he could be following them. And neither Nancy nor Frank believed in coincidence. "Frank...?"

"Yeah, Nan?"

"Remember what the vendor said, about there being other 'specials'? Locally?"

His body tensed ever-so-slightly. "Yes..."

"Because I think we're about to get a good deal." she said. Suddenly, they were both all business. "We're being followed. Tall guy, behind us, black shirt."

"I don't think he's the only one." Frank said quietly. "Check out dark beard, ten o'clock."

Nancy glanced casually to their left and saw that he was right; a second man was closing in on them, a menacing expression on his face. "Split up?"

Frank nodded. "You want me to take the drive?"

"I'll do you one better: you can take the bag." Nancy answered. Inside her purse, she dumped the drive out of the bag, then handed the empty paper bag to Frank. "Now they won't know who's got it."

"Meet you back at the hotel?" Frank said, his eyes still scanning the crowd for any additional threats.

"You bet." Nancy was already planning the escape route she would take through the alley adjacent.

Frank's arm loosened around her shoulders and she knew that when he let go, it would be the signal. "Don't get caught, Drew." he said. "I love you."

"It's _Hardy._" she reminded him with a grin before he let her go and they both disappeared into the crowd.

* * *

A/N: That is one important MacGuffin they've got there.

Before you ask,_ yes_, I released Frank II and Joe II from prison, but_ no_, I have no plans for a sequel to this story. Although honestly, I believe that_ every_ story could benefit from the inclusion of evil doubles, so I may come back to them eventually... who knows?

As I've said before, I know this story was a strange one, so thanks for sticking with me until the end! As always, I would love to know what you thought... comments or criticisms, anyone?


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